The Real Reason You Keep Getting Into Fights

Everyday Wisdom | Part I — Conflict | Cornerstone Bible Church

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jouVHmbzPBQ

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conflict and wondered: how did I even end up here?

Most of us don't go looking for fights. But somehow, we keep finding them — or they keep finding us. We get pulled into arguments that aren't ours. We say things we can't take back. We fan flames we didn't start. And before long, what started as a molehill has turned into a mountain.

The Bible has a lot to say about conflict — and most of it is more practical than you'd expect. This week at Cornerstone, we opened a brand new series called Everyday Wisdom, drawn from the book of Proverbs. We're looking at what God's word says about the everyday problems we all face — things like conflict, emotions, relationships, and how we talk to each other.

This first message was called Everyday Wisdom for Conflict, and it comes straight from the wisdom of Solomon — the wisest man who ever lived, whose words are just as relevant today as the day he wrote them.

What Does the Bible Say About Conflict?

The book of Proverbs doesn't sugarcoat human nature. Solomon knew that we're naturally drawn to drama. We find other people's arguments entertaining. We want to know the details. We pick sides. And often, we end up in a fight we never meant to join.

Here are three principles from Proverbs that can genuinely change how you handle conflict.

1. Wise People Don't Go Looking for Trouble

Proverbs 26:17 — "Interfering in someone else's argument is as foolish as yanking a dog's ears."

Solomon compares getting in the middle of someone else's argument to yanking on a dog's ears — you're bound to get bit, and it's your own fault. Even a friendly dog might snap at you if you pull on them. The same is true with conflict. When we stick our nose into other people's problems without a purpose, we invite consequences we weren't prepared for.

One of the biggest reasons this backfires: we never know the whole story before we open our mouths. Every argument has three sides — what one person said, the other person heard, and what it all actually means. We've probably all been in a situation where we stuck up for someone, only to find out later we only had half the story. The person we defended had shared only the parts that supported their side.

Another reason to stay out: the two people fighting often end up making up, and we're the ones left fighting. This happens all the time when spouses argue and a family member jumps in.

Jesus said in Matthew 5:9, "Peacemakers are blessed and will be called the children of God." People who go looking for peace end up blessed. People who go looking for trouble end up bitter.

Wise people don't interfere in other people's problems unless there's a purpose. 

They look to make bad situations better, not worse.

2. Wise People Don't Add Fuel to the Fire

Proverbs 26:20 — "Fire goes out without wood, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops."

Less wood equals less fire. Less words equals less fighting. It sounds almost too simple — but think about how much conflict in your life exists only because words kept getting added to the flame.

We talk until we turn a molehill into a mountain. We talk so much we turn a misdemeanor offense into a death penalty case. And sometimes the most dangerous things we speak start with, "Did you hear that so and so…"

Gossip has destroyed more churches from the inside out than outside culture ever could. 

Our words can be our own worst enemies. And in church, we often disguise gossip as prayer requests — sharing someone else's business under the cover of concern.

James 3:5-6 puts it plainly: "The tongue is a small thing that makes big speeches. Consider how a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire."

When you gossip, you make someone else carry the weight of your words. Other people get caught up in the consequences of your careless conversations. So many of our problems with other people would be solved if we simply talked to them, not about them.

The Golden Rule from Matthew 7:12 applies here: "Do unto others whatever it is you would like them to do to you." If we actually did that, we'd give people the benefit of the doubt more and gossip about them less.

3. Wise People Don't Fight at the Drop of a Hat

Proverbs 26:21 — "A quarrelsome person starts fights as easily as hot embers light charcoal or fire lights wood."

Charcoal can look cool on the outside — but all it takes is a breeze to set it back on fire. You can't always tell how someone is feeling by looking at them. When we're in a dry season emotionally, one spark can start a fire that burns our world down around us.

The truth is, so many fights have nothing to do with the actual facts. Most of the time, we're frustrated with something else in our life and we take our feelings out on someone else. If we walk around at an emotional 8 all the time, it doesn't take much to push us to a 10.

Here's a question worth sitting with: if you find yourself getting into conflict everywhere you go — at work, at home, at church — is it possible the common denominator is you?

That's not an accusation. It's wisdom. Because if we were more aware of our feelings, we'd get into fewer fights.

The world needs more Christ-like peacemakers and fewer people looking for their next conflict. What would happen if we became almost impossible to start a fight with? What would happen if we became spiritual firefighters instead of cultural fire starters?

Bible Verses About Conflict Worth Remembering

• Proverbs 26:17 — Don't interfere in someone else's argument.

• Proverbs 26:20 — Gossip fuels quarrels. Stop the gossip, stop the fight.

• Proverbs 26:21 — Some people ignite conflict wherever they go. Don't be that person.

• Matthew 5:9 — Peacemakers are blessed.

• Matthew 7:12 — Do to others what you want done to you.

• James 3:5-6 — The tongue is small, but it can set your whole life on fire.

  
  

How to Handle Conflict God's Way

The Bible doesn't tell us to avoid all conflict — it tells us to handle it wisely. Here's what that looks like in practice:

Stay out of fights that aren't yours. You rarely know the whole story. Every argument has three sides. Let go of the need to weigh in on every dispute.

Watch your words. Gossip doesn't just hurt the person you're talking about — it eventually comes back on you. Before you speak, ask: am I talking to this person or about them?

Check your emotional temperature. If you're running hot, the next conversation is going to cost you more than it should. Get honest with yourself before you engage with others.

Go toward people, not around them. If you have an issue with someone, the wisest thing you can do is talk directly to them — not everyone else first.

Want to Go Deeper?

This sermon is Part I of our Everyday Wisdom series from the book of Proverbs. Next week, we'll talk about our emotions — and why a little emotional awareness could prevent a lot of the conflict in your life.

If this message was helpful, you can watch the full sermon above or subscribe to our YouTube channel to follow along with the series. We'd also love for you to be a part of what's happening at Cornerstone Bible Church in Port Jefferson Station, NY.

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